By: Colleen Kunkle
I know you’ve been there. You’ve agreed to do something you weren’t really sold on and then tried desperately to figure out how to get out of it. But you said yes. Or you didn’t say no. So now you have a responsibility that you really wish you didn’t have. Why is it so hard to just say no?
I used to think that I got myself into these situations because I was “too nice” to say no. Or because I’m just not good at saying no. I would see the way that other people seemed to be navigating these requests and I was always in awe of those people who don’t seem to feel guilty declining.
When I was young my dad had a great way of interacting with charity telemarketers. He would simply tell them that he had already budgeted for the causes that he was planning to support that year and so he would have to decline at this time. Then he’d politely let them know that the call was over. He never seemed to feel bad about not supporting another good cause and he was never unkind. These interactions appeared easy and stress-free from my youthful perspective.
Fast-forward several years later to my first of these interactions and I was out $20 to some cause that I hadn’t even heard of previously and to which I definitely didn’t feel personally connected. Man, can those guys bring the pressure! How did my dad stay so calm and confident in those interactions? How did he seem kind even as he was saying no? The answer is simple, really. It’s all about boundaries. My dad was very clear on the boundaries he had around charitable giving. He did give to others, but not to everyone. He established his boundaries and he stuck to them. It was that simple.
But this isn’t only about charity. This applies to all aspects of our lives. You see, when we are clear on what we are and are not willing to do and why those boundaries exist for us, it becomes much easier to see whether particular activities, obligations, and responsibilities fall into the area of “yes” or “no.” It also becomes very simple to explain our decision to others. I’m not suggesting that we need an explanation in order to validate our decisions but there are certain times when we do want others to understand our “why” (or “why not”). The truth is that the reason for our need to decline can vary depending on the situation, and sometimes a little explanation helps to soften the blow.
In fact, there are times that we legitimately want to say yes to things but we simply can’t make it work. A mentor of mine once told me that I do not have to give my time in order to contribute. If there is something that I care to be a part of but cannot afford to give my time, I can contribute money or help to find another volunteer. Obviously this advice came to me when I was crunched for time, but it works the other way too where time can be a great substitute in place of a monetary contribution. I put this advice into action last year when I was working full time. I didn’t have the flexibility to volunteer regularly at my daughters’ school but my mom was gracious enough to do it on a weekly basis for my kindergartner’s writing program. While I did not physically attend, I did find great peace in knowing that my mom was able to do it. And she really enjoyed doing it as well so it was a win-win!
From what I’ve learned from others and my own experiences around setting boundaries I have come to understand that boundaries come in different forms: some have to do with time, others with money, and still others with emotional energy. We have to consider them all and understand how they interact with one another as we start to more concretely define the boundaries that are important to us personally. If we’re not clear about what we’re going to prioritize in our lives, then we are definitely not going to stay within those lines. Instead, we will continue to find ourselves committing to support things that do not add to our joy.
Once boundaries have been defined, it is important to guard them and say no to the things that do not fall within them. When we do this, we create the space to say YES to those activities that make our lives feel full and balanced. Taking on responsibilities that do not contribute to the life we are trying to create can feel like a huge burden. And let’s be honest, we aren’t truly performing at our best in these situations either. Ultimately, using our resources for things that don’t really align with our goals can lead to resentment and burnout. This is a no-win situation.
One kind thing that we can do for ourselves and for others is to understand our own limits and boundaries and do the things that bring us the most joy and satisfaction. Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is say no. Because when our time, energy, and money is being used to promote and impact the things that make our hearts smile, we are in the best position to lift this whole world up just a little bit higher.
Related Article: I Quit A Great Job By: Colleen Kunkle
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