Last week I mentioned that I had to take my cats to the vet. I joked that it would be a good test of my “new found peace.” It was no joke. We didn’t make it to the vet. It turns out that I am no match of speed and wits for a pair of cats. That and their claws and teeth are sharp and scary. And they do not like the little cages I was trying to stuff them into. Aside from not making our appointment and the fact that my cats have been avoiding me for days, we all came out of it OK.
I was really hesitant to call and let the veterinary office know that I wouldn’t make it. I hate missing appointments. Even more, I hate cancelling at the last minute. But most of all, it is hard to accept failure. I had to tell them why I was calling at 10:36 to cancel a 10:40 appointment and I’m not sure that anything other than the truth would have even made sense. I fought a good fight, but the task was too much for me that day.
The woman who handled my call could not have been more gracious. She empathized with me; cats are tough to trap! And when I asked her for some tips on how to do it better next time, she shared her own experiences and helpful hints with me. In giving some advice, she mentioned “this has been a life saver for me.” She helped me to keep my dignity in tact with her kindness and by using language that assured me that others have had this struggle, too. By the time I hung up the phone with a new appointment date and time on the calendar, I was grateful for the experience despite my failure. What a shift in perspective.
To be honest, I have often found it hard to see the silver-lining, the upside of a down experience. I have failed to seek the learning or the blessing in the challenges and failures. I have written off bad experiences as wasted time and wasted energy. I have been intentional about pushing these things out of my mind instead of being curious about them and seeing them as opportunities for growth. And the worst part of it all is that I have allowed the negativity to own the experience and the memory.
Have you seen the movie Inside Out? If not, please go do it ASAP. It is so good. It is one of those movies that contains huge life lessons while still being incredibly entertaining. The lessons are just as relevant for adults as they are for kids and the message is deep and beautiful. My biggest takeaway and the point of this reference is this: many of life’s most remarkable moments evoke more than one emotion, for example both joy and sadness. A bad experience can be made wonderful by a loving reaction or response. So I offer as an extension of that idea: a failure can be made into a victory if we choose to learn and grow from it. We have the power to change the outcome from negative to positive. One way to start to turn our failures into victories: practice gratitude.
It is hard to be negative when you are grateful. I’d venture to say it is darn near impossible, actually. So lately I have been trying to be thankful in every situation. It sounds pretty easy but as with anything, it has its challenges. In the moment, things always feel more intense than they do in hindsight. So, it is “in the moment” that practicing gratitude is most important. It’s also the precise time when it is the hardest.
For example, when my husband was away last week I let both of my kids sleep our king-size bed with me. One is a snuggler and one is a light sleeper. This isn’t exactly a recipe for success. But they were missing their dad and I was semi-relieved to have them in the room with me. Both sleepwalk and I get nervous about that, especially when Chris is away. The prior night I had found Ivy sitting on the living room couch in the middle of the night in an apparent sleep-walking episode. It was startling!
Long-story short, as you might have expected, this turned into a night of tossing and turning, kicking and crying, complaining and fidgeting, and very little sleep. Around 3 AM I was just about annoyed enough to wake them both up completely, kick them out of my room, and lock the door behind them. Instead, I talked myself into listing all of the things that I was grateful for in that moment.
For the opportunity to be their mother, even when I’d rather be sleeping. For a great big king-sized bed, without which I would have definitely lost my mind way sooner than 3 AM. For a bathroom in my bedroom because now I have to pee. For Ivy’s rhythmic breathing; a reminder to me in this moment of her life, health, and sweet innocence. For the fact that Adele is not yet “too cool” to share a bed with her mom and little sister, and not too proud to tell me how much she misses her dad when he is away. For this crazy, infuriating life and all it’s ups and downs. For a partner that helps to keep me sane and the fact that he’ll be home tomorrow. For morning, which cannot come quickly enough. And for sleep itself, of course.
– Colleen Kunkle’s Sleep-Deprived Thoughts
I can’t tell you that the rest of the night was restful and pleasant because quite frankly it was not. The rest of the night still kind of sucked. But gratitude diffused the situation enough that I could relax. And relaxation kept me from kicking my kids out of my room in the middle of the night. And avoiding that helped to keep things from really getting chaotic at 3 AM. So for that I am grateful.
I haven’t been walking around this earth being particularly angry or negative, but I haven’t been particularly optimistic either. Looking for things to be thankful for, especially in the undesirable situations, has helped me to shift my perspective and to feel happier. There are other ways to work on changing perspective, some of which I’m trying too. For instance: seeing things from another’s point of view; looking for the humanity in others; understanding that everyone has a bad day; trying to avoid taking things personally; and refusing to take on the victim mentality. I’m growing and changing. I’m hoping to be a better version of myself with every new day. And I’m confident that as I continue to shift my perspective, I’m creating an opportunity to truly change my life.