By: Colleen Kunkle
I don’t think we talk about our worries and fears publicly very often, yet I’ve come to find that most people worry a lot. So, I’ll put myself out there and acknowledge that I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. I’ll call it “fear of missing out” (FOMO) but it’s probably not exactly what you suspect. My fear is related to missing out on things to come-like all of the big, important things that my children will experience as they grow up and throughout their lives. No, I’m not sick. I don’t have any major health issues at all. Actually, I have no reason to believe that I won’t be around to experience the future with my children. But that doesn’t stop the fear from consuming me at times.
I don’t want to let fear and anxiety take over so I recently started meeting with a counselor to learn some ways that I can cope with these irrational thoughts when they creep up. One thing she suggested was to come up with affirmation statements. I am here to enjoy this moment right now. I am healthy right now. I am committed to living in the present and being in this moment. I am stronger than my fear.
Truthfully when I’m feeling anxious, these affirmation statements are a distraction, at best. That doens’t mean they aren’t worthwhile, but they aren’t going to resolve things completely for me. From a strictly intellectual standpoint I am smart enough to know that the fears are unsupported. Emotionally, I cannot seem to get passed them. My head knows that I have nothing tangible to go on. And still my maternal instinct says there are dangers all around us that threaten our safety and my ideals about what our future as a family looks like.
I believe in a God that is much, much bigger than my fears and at the same time much, much bigger than my ideals. I realize this is not a universal truth for all but I think most can agree that not all things are within our own control. So I recognize that my future and the future of my family is probably not going to look like what I have envisioned for us. I hope and pray that it will be even better. Certainly, my fear will not do anything to help; all my fear does is take away from “the now.”
The truth is that I desperately want to be around and well to see my children grow up into the amazing adults that I know they will be. I can’t wait to see what careers they choose, where they will go to college, where they’ll work, and where they will live. I wonder if Ivy will be an inventor. I wait in suspense to see what her first big, successful idea will be (she’s always thinking!). I’m curious to know if Adele will continue to love creating art and writing songs. I wonder if she will stick with cheerleading; she seems so passionate about it right now.
For these reasons, my FOMO feels completely real. I know that we have so much more to learn together. I want to be there to support them in the big moments and the small ones. But when I really boil it down, the fear is not about me at all. My fear is that my girls will miss out if I fail to be there for them. Of course I want to be the one who is there to teach them, love them, and support them. I want to care for them and keep them safe. Because if I’m not there to do it, how can I be sure it will be done?
But most importantly I just want them to know that they are so, so very loved and I would give everything and anything to stay with them forever. And even if I can’t stay with them forever, the memories that we have made together are theirs to keep. I want them to understand how proud I am already of things that they have not yet even accomplished because I know that they are capable of so much! At the same time, they are perfect in this moment just as they are. I want them to truly hear me when I tell them that they are special; they are precious to me and I’m so very lucky to be their Momma.
I fear that telling them these things now is not enough, but in this moment it is all that I can do. That and get out of my own head so I can enjoy life right now. I really am stronger than my fear and I know that it is not serving me or my family well. My fear is holding me back from living fully and enjoying the moment. Real as it may be, my fear is no longer welcome here.